Christina McKelvy 0:15

Welcome to Apology stories of hope, healing and resilience. I'm your host, christina McKelvey. Today we're going to be speaking with Chrissy Ames Cotto. Welcome, how are you, chrissy?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 0:27

I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Thanks for having me.

Christina McKelvy 0:30

Well, you're very welcome, very welcome. I probably sound very shaky to those listening, but it's getting cold where I'm living and I guess there's supposed to be like a atmospheric river coming through and lots of rain and snow, and I feel like I'm starting to feel it already, even though we're not expecting it until Thursday.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 0:54

Understandably. So I think we're in the nice weather, but I know we're headed for some cold weather ourselves over here in California. So I hear you.

Christina McKelvy 1:03

Yeah, I'm in Arizona and it's right now. I'm looking out my window and it's sunny, but expecting cold weather. And it's funny. I was thinking about this. I've had three or four podcast episodes where I open up about with talking about the weather and that's just a sign of age.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 1:23

I'm obsessed with the weather, so I don't mind it.

Christina McKelvy 1:26

Oh, I was in California a few a couple months ago during like the with the waves, where it was like going over a few streets and like really large waves and that was fabulous and I was like constantly checking you know the weather just to we'll make sure we avoided it, but also just to look at like the tides and everything. It was really cool.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 1:48

Yeah, those King tides were really quite magnificent, I think, coming from the nature perspective.

Christina McKelvy 1:56

Definitely. Well, chrissy, you know. Again, thank you so much for coming on today and I just want to open up the floor with you just telling our audience, our listeners, a little bit about you and we'll just go from there.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 2:10

Okay, yeah, so I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. With that I do have my own practice. But essentially I was kind of hoping to talk a little bit about what brought me into the field, to where I'm at now, and that is, you know, growing up I, you know, was really fortunate in many experiences and I would say probably like mid adolescence, that took quite a turn and, and at that point it really started to shape where I'm at now. And so growing up, I primarily grew up with one parent, and that parent did suffer from schizophrenia, and so the schizophrenia really impacted, you know, my parents, where I had to learn a lot of really hard things, including what it means to be resilient what it means to have a sense of hope, even at times when hope just wasn't really present, and and try to remind myself that I can.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 3:21

I can get through this and I can do what I can to help my parent. And, yeah, it just really shaped me to the point where I am now, where, throughout a lot of my own therapy and a lot of my own continued self-work to be able to continue to heal and really just grow from a lot of the traumatic experiences I had.

Finding Hope Through Resilience and Mindfulness

Christina McKelvy 3:45

Yeah, oh, thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing that right now, because I was thinking. A lot of people when they go into therapy sometimes they do wonder like how did my therapist get here, or why did my therapist become a therapist? And they may not necessarily want to ask, but having that knowledge, sometimes even just a little tidbit, can be helpful. And you mentioned you know a little bit about that's on your website, so having a parent with schizophrenia must have been hard. Tell me a little bit more about that, whatever you're comfortable with.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 4:16

Yeah, it was really hard. I. I think I it's important to acknowledge the fact that I'm still in doing my own work and my own therapeutic work and, with that, really noticing kind of timelines and realizing how young it actually started of when I needed to essentially start stepping up and taking care of myself, my parent, and when things really started to shift. And you know, I know part of that is kind of really sticking to. You know, I think a lot of internal dialogue that happens for some people.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 4:57

I know not all, but for me a lot of that internal dialogue was remembering what my parent did teach me in regards of morals, values and a lot of positive talk, and I'm really fortunate for that because, quite frankly, that is actually what carried me through and led me to have hope that I can take on a lot, that I can get through what I didn't realize would be some really hard times for actually several years. And I'm fortunate for that, because without that I am not sure where I'd be today. In addition to the support I received and you know that was in and out of my life believed, um, and you know that was in and out of my life and as much as I'm very grateful and fortunate for all of it, till this day I still can remember the phrases my parent taught me that really helped me just hold on you said the phrases yeah, the phrases.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 5:56

so, uh, I know one thing, so I'll say it was my mother. So one thing my mom was really a proponent for was speaking up for yourself and not letting others speak for you, and making sure to remember that I have a voice and I deserve to be treated with respect and love. And you know, she really drilled that into me and till this day it's still kind of that life lesson, that kind of hovers in the background and even right, we all have our good and bad days, the days that are maybe not so bright.

Christina McKelvy 6:30

trying to remember that and remind myself of that, in addition to what I've taught myself throughout the years as well, taught myself throughout the years as well that positive talk can lead toward, lead to hope, and you know I want to break that down more because you know you mentioned your mom, you know shared, like, you know speak up for yourself and and in a positive way. And so having positive self-talk can be helpful. And of course, you know we're not talking about like the toxic positivity, right when it's like you're overly positive. But I guess let's dig into that a little bit more, like tell me a little bit more about what that meant for you, the positive talk, because I think that can be so helpful for a lot of people.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 7:15

Yeah, it's funny you mentioned toxic positivity, because I was thinking about that as soon as it left my mouth, it's in the forefront yeah.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 7:26

Yeah, you know, to be positive. I recognize, like I don't know, even my mom would teach me those lessons, like she would say it in the midst of knowing not everything was positive. Right, she was still very realistic in the sense of like, yes, this is going on, or these are the facts and I'm hopeful things can change, or these are ways that you know change can happen. And it wasn't until I, quite frankly, probably got into adulthood that I really realized oh, meaning you, you could have control as much as you can of your own choices, right, we choose what we can and cannot do, yeah, with what we have available at that time.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 8:14

And and from there there is hopefully some hope, even if it may feel limited those options be limited while still taking in the facts, acknowledging that you have a right to your feelings. You have a right to, essentially, your boundaries being met as well, your boundaries being met as well, and in values, I have a right to act accordingly to my values, and one of those values was compassion and self-compassion. So, yes, toxic positivity.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 8:52

I I recognize the buzzwords and I think to be positive is more just to be able to look ahead and even acknowledging there are times we it may be really, really hard to even be able to look forward to the next day moving forward.

Christina McKelvy 9:13

That's that, that's the resilience there. And if you're able to move forward, you have hope. And if you're able to move forward, you have hope. And if you're able to see the positive even in the midst of turmoil, you have hope. And that sounds like that's what your mom taught you.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 9:44

It does bring me back to essentially one of the primary theories I do practice in my work, and that's dialectical behavioral therapy DBT for short, and part of that is right. I want to go back to what I said is moving forward the times that it's so hard to even think about how do I get to this next moment? And I found that in DBT the foundation is mindfulness, and that is being able to stay in the present moment. There is not thinking about the future, not thinking about the past, just what's happening right now. And if I could survive just right now, in this moment. Can that be enough?

Christina McKelvy 10:28

the key to move forward is to be present.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 10:32

Yes, right, because there's no predicting what will happen in the future and even with the sense of hope, of being like, well, can I make it to this next moment, can I make it to the next day, and I think the times, that hope, that window is so small and I recognize, at times might not even be visible at all. Perhaps this speaks to just trying to survive, yeah, like I'm just trying to survive this moment. And so if I could just be present in the moment, I'll survive till I can get to a place where I don't need to survive anymore, where I could continue to perhaps even get to a place of resilience, right when I've been able to move past the trauma and then or move past feeling intense emotions. Then at that point I could start looking more into the future and the goals start looking at goals that I want to reach, start looking at, you know what it is that may be possible.

Christina McKelvy 11:52

And so, therefore, that restores hope again. I'm like soaking all that in, because that was that was just beautiful, everything you said, being in the present. I can survive this moment, being mindful, and it will restore hope. It can help with resilience, and so you were taught that and you practice that through DBT and I'm sure the outcomes you've seen with your clients when you've really focused in on that I'm sure has been.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 12:36

I'm trying to find another word than positive because Wonderful I'm trying to find another word than positive because wonderful, hopeful, yeah, yeah, very hopeful, very, um, um, I was gonna say inspirational and there we go. Inspirational for sure, but it is hopeful. I think it kind of provides hope that as human beings, we are capable of being able to overcome a lot. And in those present moments it may not feel that way and it may not seem that way. It may not feel that way and it may not seem that way.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 13:22

I think people can be incredibly strong when they need to be. And I recognize strength even isn't always a positive, if you will right, because it's exhausting, and so it's okay to not need to be strong all the time, but to still hopefully have hope that you'll come out the other side and able to grow from what you've been through. And that takes me to all the positive things, I guess right, the love, the self-compassion, the forgiveness, the acceptance, letting go, and those are all part of my being mindful. It is being mindful, being able to, yeah, sit and accept our feelings for what they are, as hard as that is and ooh, is it hard yeah, because sometimes we don't want to accept hard feelings, those messy feelings.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 14:30

Yeah yeah, I think, feelings at the end of the day, right there there's ones that can feel light and really remind, I think, many of us why we live. And then there's the feelings that you're like oh, for me to for me to realize how nice it is to be happy, experience joy, even peace. Yeah, experience joy, even peace, relaxation. It is helpful for me experience the other side, which is maybe frustration, anger, sadness, grief, and I recognize those could be two extreme ends, if you will. And so in DBT or dialectical that piece, it's part of a dialectic. There's two ends and hopefully it's just knowing that it's a spectrum.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 15:29

We could travel back and forth and that's okay, it doesn't need to be one way or the other. And if we only stay on one side, let's say, if all we do is if we were to only experience just joy and nothing else, at some point would we get tired of it or would we be chasing? Well, I want to feel even more joy than I already feel, and at some point be like well, this still doesn't feel like enough. And so I know I've spoken to many people about this and some people feel like is it perhaps we lose some of the gratitude of what it's like to feel joy, that we do need to experience some level of for lack of another word pain. Yeah, realize how amazing it is to feel joy, to be happy it's that duality you need, light and dark.

Christina McKelvy 16:21

You need, you know, like you said, happiness, sadness, all those dualities like to be. You know you need that to experience one or to appreciate one, you have to experience the other yeah, yeah, and I I think that's helpful too, because it's it's not even about.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 16:43

Well then, I shouldn't go to one extreme or the other, be like no actually, that's okay, that's part of the acceptance, okay, yeah, it's okay to be on one end or the other or somewhere in the middle.

Christina McKelvy 16:58

So you start, do you start? Is this the first step? With your clients, you know?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 17:07

explaining this when you are doing DBT or what does that look like? Yeah, if I'm doing primarily DBT.

Christina McKelvy 17:15

I do tend to start my work with let's look at skills yes, it's a lot of skill building.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 17:19

Yeah, it's of explaining, yeah, what even is dbt and with mindfulness being the foundation, I'll typically start with mindfulness first and then build on to that through the other skill sets, which happens to be like distress tolerance skills which I I speak more of, if you would like, regulating emotions and then, last but not least, how to be effective in relationships with others.

Christina McKelvy 17:46

And as they work through this, you notice the level of acceptance increases, or that level of hope.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 17:56

I'm going to say yes, as eventually, as things proceed. Yeah, if I may, I'll speak to my hesitation as to why I say eventually. Yeah, can I talk about radical acceptance here for a moment?

Embracing Forgiveness and Self-Compassion

Crissy Ames-Cotto 18:13

Please yes, radical acceptance Because it's quite the concept and it's the one that, throughout my career, shoot even myself I am guilty of. This Radical acceptance is such a challenging concept to apply, I think, to many situations. So radical acceptance being whatever facts are there, whatever's present, we accept them completely wholeheartedly. That includes, essentially, what's already happened, because that's fact. We can't go back and change what's happened in the past. It's accepting our feelings unless we want to change our feelings, and I'll go into that in a moment.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 18:58

Okay, and once you can fully accept things, then it moves to well, forgiveness where that's applicable, right. So if someone did me wrong in some way, shape or form and I've been holding on to it, call it a grudge, call it resentment. At this point, am I able to really truly accept it? Am I ready to forgive that person? And that could look different for many people. It could be talking to them, it could be sending an email, email, a text, right, any kind of electronic or even written communication, or it could be just doing that work by yourself and just making the conscious decision to be like, yeah, I'm ready to move on, I'm gonna forgive them and I'll even go as far as it can even be forgiving yourself.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 19:56

The last step is once you can do that, then you can let go and I'll even go as far as it can even be forgiving yourself. The last step is once you can do that, then you can let go. So, whatever that situation is, that has been just really holding on, right, perhaps some may argue, even anchoring them down a bit, weighing them down, they can let it go and that's radical acceptance. But it is such a hard concept for many Because essentially we're looking at well, what happens if I don't want to accept this? Right, I don't like the facts, actually, maybe even I hate the facts, I resent them. Talk about accepting feelings, about radical acceptance about the situation. They could be really intense and the reality is, is actually it's okay to not like the facts and to, quite frankly, strongly dislike them, hate them even, but can you still accept them, even with those feelings?

Christina McKelvy 20:54

what's the difference between acceptance and liking? Because I think people even see that with forgiveness too, like, oh, you don't have to like this person, just forgive them. Well, you know, forgive them, that's just you know. Or you don't have to like this person, but accept it, you know. So what's the difference between those two? How can someone kind of tease that out a little bit or figure that out?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 21:19

Yeah, I will say this. It goes down to validating your feelings. So if we could acknowledge, you know what? Sure, I don't like this person. Yeah, maybe they've always been mean to you and so therefore, I choose, I don't like them, and that's the fact I don't like them. Right, maybe they've always been mean to you and so therefore, I choose, I don't like them, and that's the fact I don't like them.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 21:39

Ok, and the alternative is to letting go is well, I'm just I'm never going to forget, but that means I'll never forgive and I'm just going to kind of hold on to that. And each person's different to that and each person's different. I'll speak for myself. Yeah, if I hold on to something that long it, if I let it, if I allow it, it starts holding some weight and I tend to feel that in my chest right, and at some point it kind of starts making me feel icky for lack of another word where I'm like, okay, I think I'm over this, I'd like to let it go now. Right, and I may still not desire a relationship with this person. But see, that's part of accepting those facts too. Right, do I want a relationship with this person? Do I like this person? Let's say no and no.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 22:30

Why is that They've been really unkind, and one of my boundaries is respect, right. So right now, I'm really just, I'm validating a bunch of facts, I'm validating my feelings about perhaps the person, the situation, and at that point I could choose okay, am I? Is that everything? And if it is great, let me. Let me accept that and can I forgive them, and that's one of the hardest parts and if it is great, let me accept that, and can I?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 22:57

forgive them, mm-hmm. And that's one of the hardest parts, and many would argue, the hardest part for radical acceptance is the forgiveness piece.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 23:04

Yeah, yeah, because there's some heavy stuff sometimes that we have to try and figure out how to forgive someone, or if we want to, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's something I do share is that and I know with DVT I recognize what is actually stated. So the way I do share it for people just honestly, as another perspective, just to kind of chew on and think about. Let's say, something did happen and you cannot forgive them for whatever reason, you're like, look, I could accept a lot, I accept my feelings, I accept the facts, but gosh, that forgiveness piece. I'm just not about it. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm like, okay, Can you let it go? Oh, can you truly let it go without forgiving them? Oh, and you truly let it go without forgiving them? And I leave it up. I leave it quite open ended, right At the end of the day.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 24:03

I am, I'm a therapist, supporting others to, you know, essentially reach a point where they could grow and heal and be happy. Right, that's my, that's where I'm coming from, that's my part. Who am I to tell someone go forgive them? That's, I don't have that place.

Christina McKelvy 24:31

But asking them that question can you truly let it go without forgiving them? Sounds like it will definitely open up that conversation or at least give them some things to ponder. And, like you said, it's not up to you to tell them they should forgive them, but like just kind of planting that seed of inquiry yeah, because I think that's a really unique situation.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 25:04

At that point, right, it's like maybe they can't forgive them, but can they. Can a person forgive themselves? Perhaps is it as part of it. The feelings are held within them. Right, I could have done this, I should have done that, I should have known better, whatever that may be, and then we get caught up in the shoulda, coulda, woulda, which essentially are kind of red words, like, yeah, we can do that, but that's still in the past. We can't change the past. Yeah, right, can you forgive yourself and just realize you made the choices you did, for whatever reason. Maybe it's made the decision with the best of your abilities at that time, maybe you did make a mistake. Can you accept I made a mistake and forgive yourself for that, and for some people, maybe that's enough and then they can let it go because, I would argue, forgiving yourself is the foundation before being able to possibly forgive others.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 26:15

I would think you are spot on, yes.

Christina McKelvy 26:22

That's hard, that can be so tricky.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 26:26

Really really tricky. Yeah, and I think that's part of the reason why, in my practice, I'm so God.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 26:37

Not only am I so like person first and I practice narrative therapy right, I really find there's a lot of power in people's words, but also I am a big believer in gratitude and how powerful that is. Yeah, to get people to start to hopefully have some hope, to start to change, start to even start to heal, shift perspective, get to a place where they can grow in their own lives. Whatever that may look like and a lot of that is self-compassion, it's rooted in compassion. That may look like, and a lot of that is self-compassion. It's rooted in compassion.

Christina McKelvy 27:19

If you could be compassionate towards yourself, forgive yourself, and how does one start that journey of self-compassion?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 27:39

My big like deep breath there is. I think, even hearing you say it, christina, I'm just like I hope that kind of encompasses what I would imagine it would be for many people. Yeah, Like, oh, that's quite the journey for me.

Christina McKelvy 27:55

It is a journey. I know I'm still practicing the self-acceptance and compassion which goes hand in hand. You have, in order to accept yourself, you have to have compassion for yourself and then eventually you can probably forgive yourself. I mean, I think they all go hand in hand together and I know personally for me I'm on that journey every day, even small things.

Christina McKelvy 28:20

Like a couple hours ago I bumped into my neighbor and I said something silly that probably could have been taken wrong, like something about like you know our apartment complex and you know he's on like the cloudy side or whatever, and I made it. It was a joke. But then I thought about like oh, my goodness, that sounded, that sounded a little weird, you know, and I just like started like feeling so down on myself and everything like that. And that's a small, that's a small example of like okay, you know what, christina, it's fine, just forgive yourself, have compassion.

Christina McKelvy 28:56

You were tired, you were, you know, quickly passing each other by, um, you know, whatever you didn't mean, it like move forward, just don't do it again. And that's a small thing. And then you have like large moments that it's really hard to forgive yourself, life-changing moments that you might, decisions you may have made where you need to have that compassion and acceptance. And if the small moment for me was so hard I can't imagine like those big moments. You know the small stuff is hard. For us those big moments are even harder. That's so important to do Gosh.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 29:33

Yes, yeah, you're absolutely spot on. Yeah, and the small moments are so hard, and I think especially when, like, if it ever happens to you I know it's happened for me where, like one small moment, if I don't address it right, and if I just let it go, but I'm kind of still feeling not great about it.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 29:54

And then another small moment happens that I tend to like kind of beat myself up over. Right, let's say it's another small mistake. And next thing, you know, I'm like man, I really don't feeling not great. And then next thing, you know, you're like, oh, I just let it all pile together. Then I just, essentially, I made a big moment and that doesn't even include, like, the really big moments, right, the of where something big did happen in life. And well, let's not touch that, let me just touch all the small first.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 30:25

And and I I think that is where skill building actually comes back into play right, is developing the skills so you can tackle the small daily things? Right, to be like, does it start with negative and positive self-talk, right? Does it start with are we judging ourselves? And if we do judge ourselves, how often is that happening? Yeah, and what am I saying to myself? Talk about compassion. Is it even compassionate talk? And I think the second something is like oh, it's a negative judgment. Okay, not being very kind to myself. So it is that shift of. Maybe it starts with how do we talk about ourselves, whether it's in our mind how we talk about ourselves in front of other people, how we refer to ourselves when we're reading a story.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 31:18

And if at any of those times like we're kind of not the nicest to ourselves, we're like huh, okay. Yeah, that compassion piece maybe could use some work.

Christina McKelvy 31:30

That's that narrative approach. It is that narrative approach. Yeah, that compassion piece is maybe, maybe could use some work. That's that narrative approach. It is that narrative approach.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 31:34

Yeah, it's that narrative approach. It's also, I feel, like a bit of a starter approach to talked about. How do you get on this journey of self compassion, kind of looking at well, you know, what am I doing to take care of myself? How, how do I talk about myself? Also, for many people, how do I treat others? Right is is there something that is kind of coming out and maybe I'm not being the kindest to other people or maybe I'm being impatient or just lacking empathy, and the reality is is perhaps I'm having a hard time doing that for myself, but it's showing up on how I treat others.

Christina McKelvy 32:14

So again back to that foundation. How you show up for yourself carries over to how you show up for others.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 32:24

Yeah, yes, yeah, I would need to agree with that. I think I've seen it. Throughout my work, and you know, I think throughout my career I've had a variety of experiences. I've worked with survivors of intimate partner violence. I've worked with those who perpetuated the violence. I've worked with individuals with not just mental health issues but also substance use or addiction, I should say. And then I've worked with individuals, quite frankly, from all kinds of backgrounds, diagnoses, cultures, ethnicities right, you name it. I think I've seen and worked with a variety of people and I'm grateful for each and every experience, if I'm to be really honest with you, because, at the end of the day, I continue to learn from others as well, and I think it helps me learn how to continue to support others in their own unique individual journey yes, therapists, we're always learning from our clients yeah, even, even.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 33:39

I feel like when it's not said right even the unspoken. Someone says something and I'm like whoo, that's uh, sorry, I just needed a moment. That's kind of sitting heavy for some reason. Right, you're kind of just taking it in and it's a combination of what do I say next? Maybe part of it is also like wow, like that, it's a lot of wisdom that just came out. And do they realize what they just said?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 34:03

like is really profound yes yeah and um, maybe it's something that you're like huh, that kind of answers something for me a little bit, but of course I'm not going to say that it's not about me. I can do that with, but yeah.

Christina McKelvy 34:37

Everything just ties in together. You know everything. You cannot have one without the other. You know? It's what we've been talking about. So your practice is called hope, growth and healing, correct? Yeah, hope, growth and Healing Counseling. Hope, growth and Healing Counseling. How did you come up with that name?

Navigating Hope, Healing, and Growth

Crissy Ames-Cotto 34:56

Essentially it's funny I was toying with the name probably for like six months and even, honestly, quite frankly, a lot longer, and it was a combination of looking at how far I've come in my own personal healing journey yeah, also looking back with those who I've worked with, who I've tried my best to support, you know, in therapy, and really just taking into consideration some of my own principles, I think, throughout my work as well. Yeah, um, I believe in being trauma informed, same um.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 35:40

so a lot of that is that empowerment piece right that sense of agency, having a voice and, I think, by being trauma-informed. Essentially, I'm really. I think a goal in my practice is to really help everyone to just be able to get out the other side and not feel like they need to have this path that weighs them down in some way, shape or form, or even current challenges. Yeah, they need to even weigh them down, to kind of remind people, like you know, that it's, it's possible to make it out of this right, there's hope. You can. You can heal and grow from this um, and I I can't tell you what that looks like, but we could figure it out together. And you know, once I really just started thinking things through more and more, I was like that's, that sounds right, that's what I need to name that be my practice yeah, there's hope that you will grow and heal hmm, oh thank you, yeah, absolutely.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 36:49

um, yeah, I think, at the end of the day, uh, the hope. Thank you, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think, at the end of the day, the hope, growth and healing. It is this foundation of being able to Accept what's happened. This one, I'm light on saying this one, so I'm trying to think. When it comes to gratitude, I think, to ask anyone to be grateful for something quote-unquote bad that's happened to them hmm, may feel a bit like an overreach.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 37:30

I think there's many different perspectives of how we could view that. Yeah, so perhaps it's being grateful for. Well, what did we take away? What did we learn? Who are we as a result? And I recognize for many it could be easy to look at all the negative and validate that, yes, those are facts. Yeah, but also what's the positive too? Are you still here? Did you survive? Do you recognize your strength now more? Do you have, I don't know a stronger sense of self? Do you love yourself now, right? Or did it motivate you to want to work on yourself and really keep striving for a hopeful, meaningful life, like kind of what? What does that mean? What does that look like?

Christina McKelvy 38:30

it goes back to what your parent taught you that positive, that positive thinking, the positive talk.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 38:41

I guess it does. Yeah, that's funny, I don't think I thought of it in that way, but yeah, yeah, I believe it does.

Christina McKelvy 38:58

Yeah, I think it's a way of staying really humble, right, if we could have a sense of gratitude, then we could be humble for what is present and what we do have and it perhaps it does help with staying mindful a bit more too yeah you know, when we have, I think, when we have a caregiver, a parent, an adult, that has unique challenges that might inhibit sometimes our safety and I'm not necessarily I don't know if I'm I don't want to speak for your experience, but speaking from my own personal experience my mom, she had epilepsy and there was sometimes her medication caused different behaviors you know that you can feel unsafe or you can feel like there's not hope, or you can, you know, see the negatives.

Christina McKelvy 39:56

But when you step back and look at life as an objective observer, you know, look at your life as an objective observer, which is a little easier when you're an adult. I think that's where you can see those gratitudes, see those positives, see where, see how your story brought to you, brought you where you are now, that growth and healing yeah, thank you for sharing.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 40:21

by the way, yeah, I, uh, I agree, I think when you're set. Yeah, I really do appreciate you sharing that because you bring up a really good point. Safety, when our sense of safety is compromised, I think, is the word that really stands out for me. What do we do with that? And then, what does it look like? Fast forward to today, like to feel safe and to be like, oh, like, let's say, I'm so upset about I don't know, being stuck in traffic and being late 10 minutes to my appointment. The small things.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 40:57

Small things, yeah, but if I take a breath and I realize like, hold on, I made it safely here, though, and actually, while driving here there was a horrible car accident I just passed, and I don't even know if everyone made it that's that gratitude. That's that gratitude, yeah, and I tried that. I honestly try to practice that, if I can, daily, so I don't lose touch with what that looks like to stay humble and to have a sense of humility, honestly, just because I feel like that is what helps me move forward.

Christina McKelvy 41:41

Yeah, yeah that gives you hope.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 41:42

It does it gives me hope. It gives me hope. Yeah, I keep healing and growing.

Christina McKelvy 41:50

Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's why my podcast is called topology stories of hope, healing and resilience and I put I purposely put in that order. So I feel like you have, you know, to have hope, you have hope that you'll heal, and that helps with that resilience. Chrissy, I asked this question and you already answered a lot of it, but if you have any additional things that bring you hope, I ask everyone that comes on my podcast the question what brings you hope? What gives you hope? I like to end with that.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 42:22

That's beautiful. I will preface this with I recognize there is a lot going on in this world today. I think so, to hear that question, I could feel it in my chest and I'm just trying to kind of sit with that for a moment, kind of sit with that for a moment and still still know that what brings me hope is the younger generation of people and, as a parent myself, I am hopeful that, no-transcript, they can hold their own and know that, you know, they have a right to be empowered and to be happy and that they're capable, capable of making it through. And life is hard, right, but I'm kind of hopeful and, quite frankly, rooting for our younger generations to continue to spark change In current generation. Right, I'm not going to root myself out there, but I'm more hopeful in younger generations. Yeah, that there can continue to be some really strong change, hopefully a new generation. Yeah, that there can continue to be some really strong change and, quite frankly, really motivate everyone of all ages. Fresh eyes, fresh perspective Sometimes that's what we need.

Christina McKelvy 44:30

Yes, thank you. Promote change, fresh perspective, the new generation, instilling that hope, continuing on, you see that in your own children?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 44:47

Yeah, I think so, I hope so.

Christina McKelvy 44:52

Yeah, yeah, no for sure, yeah, I think so, I hope so.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 44:56

Yeah, no, for sure, I'm sure you do.

Christina McKelvy 45:13

Yeah, I do. Yeah, I definitely do. I think when they're young, right, they're really funny and that's why I was like oh, hopefully in due time I'll have more and more to say about that, but yeah, yeah, I definitely do. Children see the world through a fresh lens because they haven't had all the yucky stuff right away or yucky stuff that we've had as adults.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 45:25

So yeah yeah, they definitely have a lot to offer then. Right, in regards to that perspective.

Christina McKelvy 45:33

Yeah yeah, so oh well, chrissy, it was great having you on and I feel so relaxed and calm in your presence. I just want to say that, thank you, I appreciate that.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 45:47

That's funny. I was thinking the same. I feel so much calmer in your presence. Thank you, oh, appreciate that. That's funny. I was thinking the same. I was like, I feel so much calmer in your presence. Thank you.

Christina McKelvy 45:53

Oh, you're welcome. I am. I can be an anxious, a wiry ball, but I'm a Gemini. Take that with what you will. Everyone that doesn't believe in that, but it speaks to me because I am. I'm either an anxious, wiry ball or a calm hippie from that, so whatever. No, thank you so much for being here. And, chrissy, can you tell our listeners where they can find you if they're interested in learning more about you?

Crissy Ames-Cotto 46:23

Oh yeah, so I have my own site. It's hopegrowthhealingcom, and so you could find me there. Or if you look up hope, growth and healing counseling, my site should also come up that way, and other than that, that is where you could find me. As of now, I'm kind of still working on that whole social media profiles, if you will, so that's to come.

Christina McKelvy 46:52

And if you have it ready by the time the episode airs, all the information will be in the show notes. Well, christy, again thank you so much for being with us and I hope you have a hopeful, healing, wonderful day.

Crissy Ames-Cotto 47:07

Thank you, Christina.